The Q magazine awards are literally laughable: insomuch as I literally laughed at the list of utterly predictable winners of their ‘awards’, which one suspects are awarded by a man who has been locked in a room with the same 10 records for the last 15 years.

Generic, all-encompassing award for Coldplay? Check. Obligatory nod to U2? Check. Devastatingly, soul-crushingly obvious spurious award to Lana del Rey? Oh yes.

Today, official ANBAD mascot, Alex James, awards Q Magazine – the music magazine that time forgot – with it’s own special prize of molten cheese. (BTW: U2 vs …

Remember all that fuss about Lana del Rey a few weeks ago?

About how her label cruelly tricked us unsuspecting innocent bloggers into thinking she was the real deal, as opposed to an industry puppet with suspiciously inflated lips?

It all died down quickly didn’t it? Maybe…. too quickly. Hmm. Tinfoil hats on, everyone: I suspect the INDUSTRY wanted to HUSH UP the story and PAID OFF weak bloggers.

Fret not, dear friends, Alex James from Blur knows how to keep an issue in the public’s unwavering gaze: by pouring melted cheese all over it.

MIXTAPE:

FIRST! Flash Fiktion…

Another week, and another devastatingly catchy viral music video necessitates the short, sharp shock of a Midweek Mixtape to banish the unwanted earworm.

This week’s criminal record? Well, it turns out that if you take a video of an already creepy three-year-old beauty queen singing a song called Cutie Patootie, and then slow it down by 25%, it moves into ultra-weird territory.

Reverse it, and it becomes the terrifying David Lynch mini-movie that even he would hesitate over showing in public. Meanwhile, Lt. Drebin has been distracted by an album of Hammond organ classics, so we’re safe to proceed …

She’s had 36 million views on Youtube . It’ll probably be 38 million by the time you read this. Simon Cowell thinks she’s a genius. She just wants to duet with Justin Bieber.

Rebecca Black is a new kind of hero for our times, one who couldn’t have existed at any other point in history. Armed with one deeply moronic, yet insanely catchy pop song, she’s suddenly gaining more attention than almost everyone else put together.

Drebin’s thretening to give Friday one more spin, so listen to this Midweek Mixtape sharpish, before you start involuntarily singing about how the …

You think it would be easy to spot the elephant in the board room of all the major record labels.

Because, you see, it’s not just any old elephant – it’s a white elephant, and it has the words THE RECORD INDUSTRY IS IN DEEP TROUBLE daubed on it in blood-red ink.

ANBAD dug deep and hired Lnt. Frank Drebin to get on the case and see if he could find definitive proof that the Industry is on its last legs.

It took him the length of one advert break during Coronation Street. He is examining the evidence in our …

When does a celebrity breakdown step lightly across the line from ‘hilarious lunacy’ to ‘worrying mental illness’?

I’m not entirely sure, but you can rest soundly knowing that, as you read this, Charlie Sheen is figuring out that particular conundrum.

Here in ANBAD Towers, we have had advance warning of his next diabolically crazy project – one which we believe will be the proverbial straw that breaks the internet’s back.

It’s his upcoming cover-album-of-a-covers-album, Charlie Sheen’s Swing When You’re #Winning, in which he dabbles in the realm of the meta-cover by re-enacting Robbie Williams’ lowest point (apart from Rudebox). …

You’re not reading this. I know. Because if the music news press is to be believed, you’re either mourning the loss of Justin Bieber’s haircut, or swooooning over the surprise release of King Of Limbs.

I’m going to cut to the chase. No point wasting words if you’re too busy filesharing Thom and Co.’s latest impenetrable album whilst you share your grief with fellow Beliebers on Twitter.

So while Lt. Frank Drebin tries to mistakenly play what he thinks is the new Radiohead album, get stuck into this delightful Midweek Mixtape:

FIRST! Homework sound like the result of a …

Mmmm, sexy. It was Valentine’s day just a day or two ago, which is just enough time to digest all the drippy love songs that your local MOR Moderate Rock FM station (“The smoooothest songs from the 60′s, 70′s and 80′s, back-to-back-to-back, all day long”) has been playing.

Incidentally, Lt. F. Drebin has just one more tune he wants to play. Quick, young ‘un, the Mixtape:

FIRST! Hot Head Show have nailed the submission process for getting on ANBAD. It’s as follows: 1) Make great, clattering song called Bummer; 2) Cut a video from Russ Meyer’s Mondo …

This post is much curtailed, due to the fact that I wrote it once and then managed to delete the whole thing. So the following is a kind of ‘Previously, on ANBAD…’ round-up. Apologies. It probably wasn’t that good anyway.

Have you noticed how hefty singers like Barry White, Aretha Franklin and SuBo also sound chubby on their records? Their voices practically drip with bacon grease.

It occurred to me this week that roly-poly BRIT-school faux-soul Bellower Of Blandness Adele can be added to this inglorious list.

Adele is  a woman whose MOR dirge is enlivened only by the fact …

In a week where we have discovered that all that is needed today to become officially the next big thing is years of stage-schooling, a ton of promo cash, the weight of the whole record industry and an expensive video, let us be thankful that there are still bands plugging away in their garages to make new music.

Quick, divert your attention to the Midweek Mixtape before we’re all forced to get down with the kids to the sound of Jessie J.

FIRST! Mount Fabric sound like they ought to be an 80′s fuzzy-felt animated kids’ TV show, …