No really, you are. You feel old. Feel it.
Feel that slight discomfort in your hips? It isn’t a one-off niggle you picked up by walking in new shoes – it won’t go away, ever. And it’s just going to get worse. Really.
My own hideous elderliness was highlighted with ruthless efficiency upon the discovery of Kiran Leonard, a boy from Oldham who is 16, and writes song with a brutal understanding of life, its mysterious ways and how to cram it all into a two minute vaudeville pop song like Dear Lincoln.
Want to hear the best bit? Dear Lincoln is an old song – written when Kiran was 14. He’s now partly disowned it, the embarrassment of mispronouncing Nietzsche’s name in the opening line just too much to bear.
Fourteen. What were you doing when you were that age? I still thought that being able to complete a 180-degree skid on my BMX was an achievement, and that playing Street Fighter 2: Special Champion Edition was a legitimate way to pass a weekend.
By romping through the brilliant, endlessly enjoyable Dear Lincoln with panache, gusto and nuance, Kiran has rekindled all those lingering feelings of inadequacy us mere humans felt at that age.
Console yourself with the knowledge that almost all child geniuses burn out and end up in rehab at some point. And then we can all feel satisfied with our own dreadful, bitter outlook, can’t we?