It’s Glastonbury Festival this weekend, and for the first time in about 6 years, ANBAD isn’t going.

Why? Well, forget all the at-best-idiotic, at-worst-racist fuss about Jay-Z headlining. The real problem with Glastonbury ‘these days’ are the awful Pete Docherty and Peaches Geldof-wannabes clogging it up with their pristine hair and designer wellies.

Unfortunately, it’s no longer a wonderful brain-altering weekend in the countryside, and is now simply something for moron Gap-Year-ers to tick off their ‘Must Do Before I’m 30’ list.

There were myriad final straws: last year I saw a number of girls straightening their hair with heated tongs. These were possibly the same people who I later saw waiting to waste gallons of water to wash the mud off their boots, before stepping straight back into knee-deep mud again.

And all this at a music festival who turns over millions of pounds to Water Aid. This idiocy must stop. At least nature is kicking back by raining on them continuously.

Glastonbury has never been about the big crowd-pulling bands. In fact, it’s rarely about the music at all, and more about ‘finding yourself’ via the dubious purchase of unusually healthy-looking weed cakes from a topless hippy woman and then staring at the sky whilst curled up in a giant bird’s nest in the Green Fields.

That said, the most enjoyable experiences at Glastonbury for me have been stumbling on an unknown band in one of the many tiny stages scattered all over the site.

So, with that in mind, today’s new band is up to you! Have your own virtual staggering-around-at-2-in-the-morning festival experience. Start here, and wander around Myspace until you trip over a band you like. It’ll be like Glastonbury, but warm, dry and with hardcore pornography a click away.

And if you have their misfortune to meet a Kate Moss/Russell Brand wannabe, you can click on a new page to get rid of them, as opposed to suffocating them with a clod of earth as I had to do last year. Enjoy.