>OK, so this isn’t really anything to do with New Bands, but it is the best thing I have ever read. And I have all of the Baywatch annuals. Including Baywatch: Hawaii.
I bought one of those keyring Cyber-Pets from an “Everything’s a Euro” shop in Barcelona, and these are the instructions that came with it. No, it doesn’t sound thrilling. But read it and literally weep. At a guess, these instructions were translated from Chinese to Japanese to Spanish to Korean, back to Chinese and then finally to English.
This was the offending Cyber Pet.
If you’re still not fully convinced of it’s greatness, here’s a sample sentence. Wonder at its convuluted insanity:
“Sex and name that each pet can at most hand over 5 month friends, would still would deposit the memory the friend. The communication of its proceeding infrared ray hand overs the empress of last friend, will our row is on the friend list, can press the Decide key, and press Select key to check friend circumstance hour, can check name, list top of’its friend that the other party’s name, sex, can also search from have already can be at mosted.”
One of my favourite pasttimes is to read a paragraph out loud, without stopping, and see how long it takes before my brain, in desperation, begins to rattle uncontrollably inside my skull to make me stop.
Here’s the instructions, in full (click for bigger). Enjoy. If you forget how to speak English after reading it, don’t sue me.
>Truly amazing. I trust your cyber-pet is now dead?
>Oh, yes, totally dead.
Even the bits of the instructions that I could fathom out didn’t actually have anthing to do with the cyber pet in the packet, so the poor little fella never stood a chance.
Poor Cyber Pet.